I AM NOT A PERISHABLE PRODUCT

I was not born with a best before date stamped on my forehead.

“Your expiry date is fast approaching.”

I had pretty much tuned my aunt out but that last sentence struck a nerve. It took every ounce of willpower I had to bite my tongue.

Ever since I turned 18 every relative [male and female] had taken it upon himself or herself to remind me that the time for marriage was getting closer. I had been given a deadline, a deadline I have been aware of since grade school. I dread family reunions because the conversations are always the same:

-       Me: Hello Aunty. How are you?

-       Relative: Hello, my dear. So where’s your boyfriend?

             (Insert eye roll)

-       Me: I don’t have a boyfriend Aunty.

-      Relative: Ah! At your age? Better hurry up and find someone before all the good men are taken. Shebi, you know what to look for in a man?

-       Me: Yes Aunty, I do.

-       Relative: That’s good. {Then comes the rant about my expiry date)

     (Insert plausible excuse to escape conversation)

For many years it has been hammered into my head the kind of things I should look for in a man.

Intelligence – Very important. You are going to have children with this man and you don’t want stupid children do you?

Ambition – Make sure the man has a suitable amount of ambition; not too much and not too little. You want a man who works hard and still makes time for you. A man with a degree in a reputable course like medicine, law or engineering is acceptable. Stay away from the artists and poets; they don’t put food on the table. A starving artist is not an ideal man.

Religion – Find a man who shares your faith. It makes life easier.

Family – Research his family history. Is there a history of mental or physical illness in his family? Is it a gene thing or might they be cursed? Either way if you find anything suspicious, Run!

Race – Not an issue, as long as he ticks all the other boxes he can be black, white or brown.

Beauty – Attractive but not too attractive. You don’t want to spend the better part of your day chasing away women with a stick when you both go out.

Decency – Find a man that has a good heart and a kind spirit. A gentleman. Life is already difficult enough without the additional burden of an abusive husband.

Height – 6ft Plus. Not a requirement but highly recommended.

These are not bad traits to look for in a man. I am assuming that most mothers want specific traits for their daughters. My problem isn’t with the list because I know my family wants the best for me.  My problem is the endless hounding. I am just 20! Can I live? This is the time of my life when I should be living it up and discovering who I am and having fun with different people. I would like to get through a day, a week, a month without some nosy person asking me if I’ve found my husband yet.

Twenty-five. I was told that 25 is the ideal age to get married and by thirty five I should have given birth to all my children. A minimum of four children because two is too small a number and three is an uneven number so four children would be perfect.

I always wondered who came up with these numbers. 25. 35. 4. The golden numbers of marriage and everything that comes after that.

Chimamanda the renowned Nigerian writer in her Tedx talk, which was featured on a song in Beyoncé’s new album, asked, “Why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage ad why don’t we teach boys the same.” I remember hearing that sentence and nodding my head vigorously and wondering why? In 2014 shouldn’t things be different? We are no longer living in the old days when women were expected to stay at home and care for the kids. The role of women in the world has drastically changed but like many things in life there is always room for improvement.

Why is our value as women inextricably tied to the men we marry, the kids we have and the homes we keep.  Don’t our other achievements count for anything? What about the lives we changed and the people we help? Do good deeds count? Is it possible for a woman to live a fulfilled life without a husband and a child?

Let me tell you a story. This is a conversation that took place at a wedding I recently attended. I am paraphrasing in some instances but the gist of the story is the same. Lets call the women Red Lips and Devils Advocate.

The bride’s aunty was giving a speech during the reception. I was seated at a table with nine other people but no one was paying attention to the bride’s aunt. All eyes were on a woman with ridiculously arched eyebrows and blood red lips who was dishing out gossip to her friend in a fake whisper voice, making it obvious she wanted everyone to hear. From the mischievous glint in her eyes it was clear that she was enjoying being the center of attention, enjoying tearing a woman to pieces with her words. Everyone at the table was hanging on to her words although we pretended to be preoccupied with other things.

Red Lips said, “You know her husband left her because she didn’t want to have any children.”

“What if she was unable to have children? It might be a medical condition.” Devils advocate said, clearly enjoying her role.

Red lips shook her head and said, “No. It was a choice. She doesn’t want kids. She didn’t even want to marry in the first place. It was her family that pressured her to marry him and the man only agreed because she was rich.”

“But didn’t she tell him she didn’t want kids before they married?” Devils advocate asked

“She did but he thought he could change her mind. He left her when he realized that she was serious about it. Can you imagine? What kind of woman doesn’t want a husband and children? Olorun maje. And she’s so pretty too. It’ just such a shame.” Red lips turned away from her friend to eye the woman.

Everyone at the table followed with their eyes, casting surreptitious glances at the lady who was the target of gossip.

“Do you know she’s an engineer? She has accomplished a lot.” Devils advocate said

“Ehen? And so? Is her engineering degree going to love her and take care of her when she’s older? “ Red lips sneered derisively

Devils advocate shrugged and silently sipped her champagne as she continued to watch the woman.

What struck me most about the woman Red Lips was talking about was how much she sounded like my favorite character from Greys Anatomy, Dr. Cristina Yang, an accomplished heart surgeon, with numerous accolades and achievements. Christina is a woman who knows what she wants and what she doesn’t want and she had always known she didn’t want children. It was something she had always been upfront about in her relationships. The men always claimed to be okay with, adopting a love conquers all stance but alas love failed to conquer all. Christina’s choice to not have children eventually caused a rift in her relationships, when the men realized that nothing could make her change her mind.

I realize that the problem the men had, the problem society as a whole has, is lack of understanding and respect of other people’s choices. It’s like we are incapable of putting ourselves in the shoes of others and looking at things from their perspective.

Millions of women around the world are incapable of giving birth for various reasons. They want children and so they undergo the rigorous adoption process or IVF treatments and other fertility treatments. Because these women struggle with fertility issues, some people look at women who can give birth but choose not to as ungrateful, selfish and cold.

Bringing a child into this world shouldn’t be something you do because society expects it from you. Childbirth is a glorious thing and every child should be brought into this world knowing that its loved, cared for but mostly wanted.

I won’t pretend to understand women who claim to have no maternal instinct and want no children of their own, because I really don’t understand it. I have always wanted children. As a kid I used to play mummy with my dolls and teddies. So although I might not understand why a woman would not want children, I respect it. A child is a huge responsibility and carrying a human being inside your body for nine months is a VERY big deal. I respect a woman who recognizes the enormity of that responsibility and knows herself enough to realize that she would be unable to be the kind of mother a child deserves.

That being said, my expiry date is fast approaching (only 5 years away) and I should probably be outside searching for my future husband or in the kitchen brushing up on my cooking skills. #WifeyMaterial. (Insert eye roll)

P.S If you haven’t already noticed I am a professional eye roller

Thank you for reading. Comments and criticisms are welcome as always J

- Atalia Zee